Love me. Love my sub

Reporters do not always treat subs well. On occasion, when pushed beyond endurance by the cutting of our best lines, or a puritan purge of all our gags, we tell the old joke about the plane carrying a sub and a reporter crashing in the Sahara. For three days they walk through the burning heat until finally they collapse, skin burning, throats parched, at the base of a huge sand dune. ‘Let us just climb to the top of the dune,’ croaks the reporter.

‘I can’t,’ says the sub, ‘let us curl up here and die’.

‘No!’ says the reporter, ‘we must make one last effort.’ And somehow they haul their dehydrated bodies, two steps forward, one step back, to the top to see…a beautiful blue oasis on the other side.

They stumble down to the lake. It is not a mirage. The reporter plunges his cupped, blistered hands into the cool water of life. Only to see the sub unzip his trousers and piss in it.

“What the hell to you think you are doing,” he bellows.

“I’m making it better,” the sub replies.
Carry on reading

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3 thoughts on “Love me. Love my sub

  1. It’s not quite something to do with this piece, but as I went about things this morning, Nick Cohen’s letter to Private Eye in 2007 came into my mind. It’s because it reminds me of something William Hazlitt once wrote in reply to charges made by Blackwood Magazine’s writers.
    And it made me hunt out the short sentence in his biography.
    Accused of lounging in third-rate bookshops, Hazlitt replied: ‘I sometimes, indeed, lounge away my time in the Fives Court and play rackets instead of answering your questions’.
    That so casual riposte to the excited writers trying to blacken his name is magnificent. Not a long, drawn-out reply or an attack back, just a graceful little sting almost missable on first reading. The quality and balance of that sentence is in the Eye letter. It’s a perfect short letter.
    They are both things one knows one will not be able to ever do.

  2. It could be a scenario from a novel, an established author of a book called The Corrections finds that his latest book needs pulped because the corrections weren’t made. What’s more, his discovery was filmed during an interview. Did he swear? Yes.
    Incorrect language, indeed!

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